Now that I am a mother, I am also....

Vulnerable.

Last week Pete and I went to a baby first aid course. I sat there for three hours listening to all of the horrors that could befall my child and blinked away the tears. I can barely watch the news anymore because if there is anything bad or sad about a child on it I just can't handle it.

Having Stella is like having my heart outside my body. I carry my heart around with me. Everyone can see it and touch it. The site of it makes some people smile and others grimace. I feel sorry for those who grimace; their hearts must be locked inside. My heart cries out to me all the day and night, needing to be fed; I feed it and it is soothed. When my heart is happy, it smiles and coos at me and my soul is filled with indescribable joy. I think about my heart all day and dream about it all night. Sometimes I awake in the middle of the night and go watch my heart sleep, it is so beautiful and peaceful.

The first aid course instructor was and EMT, emergency nurse, and had three children of her own. Her heart was overflowing and her speech was so convicted, almost pleading with us to learn these simple steps to prevent tragedy. It's been a while since I have been so impressed by someone doing something that they love and that really matters. At the end of the class I went and spoke with her for a little while and told her how frighteningly informative her class had been and thanked her emphatically. She could see that I was a little emotional and said something to me that really stuck, that nothing could have prepared me for how much I would love my child. So true. Although my parents said often to me when I was little that I wouldn't understand how much they loved me until I had children of my own, I didn't get it until now.

Dad, I get it.